my life is gone...

tdy morning abt 2.30am i watch a movie , name ' secret '..tat movie i already watch before..bt tat time i don knw y i want to watch it again..nt because of tat movie is nice bt there is some kind of feeling inside me n force me to watch it again..i like to watch tis movie because when they play the piano my hand start to move...its weird i knw...bt nvm lar...while watching the movie...i cry..haha..long time no cry already...tat movie make me cry n suddenly i feel tat i m inside the movie...looks like i m going to the world...i knw its weird..but it's true..the part tat i cry is the guy feel in love with the gal tat he cannot love n the girl already dead..the guy don care abt her past n the guy throw away his future n back to the past because of tat gal..n the movie end here..now already 4.42am...i haven't sleep yet..in tis movie i learn tat don care how people look at you , n always be yourself..i learn it but i cant do it..i always care about people look at me , n never be myself before...the EUGENE tat my friends knw is like talk in class , very clever , arrogrant , selfish n has a lot of friend...but i tink tat EUGENE is not me...i don like to talk , i m nt tat clever , i m nt tat arrogrant , i m nt selfish n i don have much friends in my life..i prefer myself to be alone..i hate myself for being such a failure n for nt being myself...i wan to change myself back to the EUGENE tat i knw n not everyone knw..but i cant..i just feel tired of being other people..now i just feel tat i hate everyone in tis world..n i feel tat one day , they might betray me..tat y people say tat i m a coward..ya..it's true i m a coward..i m a coward because i have feeling..i like to help people..but some other people tink tat i wan close to the people n wan to knw a lot of people..n some other tink tat i m a person tat very action , like to show off..so they tink tat when i help people , i can show off wat i really gt..i just wan to say if u all tink tat i m the type of person..PLEASE leave me alone..n i have enough of it..people think tat i m perfect actually i have nothing...i like to play badminton..i always think tat badminton will be my second life n never give up..i have been go for training for almost 9 years..but tat day has come..i went back to my hometown to play badminton with my coach friend...n i had a most lousy game in my life...my coach friend say tat '' I HAVE BEEN GO FOR TRAINING FOR SO MANY YEARS BUT PLAY LIKE A PERSON THAT DON KNW HOW TO PLAY BADMINTON ''..n he say '' BETTER STOP TRAINNING LIAO ONI WASTE MY TIME ''..after i heard i feel like i m such a loser n feel shameful to myself..i m very dissapoint of myself tat time..i ask myself ''wat wrong with me?'' why i m such a loser..i feel sad n i cant forgive myself..ya...i nt tat clever...since i start to read book tat time , i already hate to study..tat y my result all the while is very bad..now...i feel tat i really a loser..nothing i can do..now oni regret..it's too late...next year already spm..m i ready? no at all..n my father company is going to close..wat can i do..i can do nothing..just sit down there n watch...a lot of thing has change only in a few minutes...ya..i admit i have a lot of friends...but who is the one who really wan to be your friend..ya it's true..form 2 , form 3 n form 4 , i always talk in the class n like to joke with people...but i feel tired now...i have a tough year..n i really have enough of it...